Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
