I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
