these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
