Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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