Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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