God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
