there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
