my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
