I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
