you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
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He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
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When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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