you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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