I cut my penus on the lid.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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