I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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