I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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