i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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