I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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