I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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