im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
