I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
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My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
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Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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