I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
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We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
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