i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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