I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
