Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
