in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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