Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
