I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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