I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Everclear isn't food dammit
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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