Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
