just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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