oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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