Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
