He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
