He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
