Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
