I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
COCAINE IS GR8
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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