Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
