If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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