How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
