note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
