woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
