I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
