My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
