life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
