so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I supernannyed him into submission
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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