Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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