you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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