I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize