Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
