fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
