Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
