You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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