There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
