How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
