my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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