Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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