Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
