How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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